I was diagnosed BPII just two years ago, but have been BP at least
since I was a teenager and maybe earlier. I have always been a high
achiever, but didn't understand why I would make friends and then
lose them. In 20-20 hindsight, it was because I would become insufferable
when I was manic - I would talk over others, have to get my own way,
be the "leader" of group activities. In classes, I would
sit up front and answer all the questions. I even remember one teacher
saying, "Does anybody besides Cathy know the answer?" I
eventually became aware that I was doing this, and tried to stop,
but sometimes you just GOTTA!
When I became depressed, which was more often, I wouldn't want to
talk to anybody (not a way to keep friends). I didn't get psychiatric
help until I was suicidal. When I was feeling fine, why bother? Spending
sprees, bankruptcy, doing everything to excess is why. Starting a
bazillion projects and not finishing any of them is why. Having close
friends is why.
I graduated with a BS in mathematics and a MS in geology and went
to work for an earth sciences company. It was very challenging and
I often didn't do well. I was blackballed off a project that I wanted
to be on because someone didn't like me, and I ended up crying in
my supervisor's office. Fortunately the clients liked me because I
could recall all the information they needed and I was really picky
about the finished product. Excellent work is worth something even
if it comes from someone who is way too emotional.
My second job was at an environmental company. I started there just
as I was cycling up out of a bad depression, and soon met the man
I was to marry. I had a really good time in the first few months I
worked there - everything was fine and I had more and more energy.
I could do reports faster and better than anyone else. I didn't like
the work all that much, so I decided to take night classes in landscape
architecture at a university an hour away from my home. I loved this
too. Then my husband and I bought a condo at the height of the real
estate boom - we just HAD to be in the market. I HAD to be in the
market. I can talk my husband into almost anything. At the end of
5 years, we ended up losing $60,000 on that "investment."
I changed jobs again and spent most of the next year on an emotional
high. I remember glowing with happiness at times. It was while I was
in the third job that someone said, "She has a strong personality."
That means I was aggressive and insensitive - typical of my hypomanic
state.
As I got older, I started cycling more rapidly, and starting feeling
totally out of control of myself. I would go into rages and then start
crying uncontrollably. I tried to avoid conflict, but sometimes it
was unavoidable and I always ended up angry and crying. At that time,
my regular doctor put me on SSRIs with unpredictable results. They
mostly didn't work, except for Paxil which triggered a manic episode
where I couldn't concentrate on work, was going to write a cookbook,
bothered co-workers by interrupting and talking all the time, and
took endless walks around my building when I wasn't furious with my
boss.
I finally went to see a psychiatrist at the recommendation of my
regular doctor, and she diagnosed me with BP II. I started on Depakote
the day before I was fired from my job for being too emotional. I
discovered that my emotional outbursts and aggressive project management
had left a bad taste with almost every environmental company in the
area, and I was unable to find another job. Amazingly, the Depakote
worked incredibly well, and I felt at peace almost for the first time
in my life. Not euphoric, just patient and calm. This allowed me to
work through the incredible difficulty of facing the end of a career
that I'd put 20 years into. No one wanted to hire me in my local area
and I didn't want to move.
I was faced with the necessity of starting my own business to survive
once my unemployment ran out, but I had such bad feeling associated
with my former career that I was practically paralyzed when it came
to resuming it. Instead I would go down to my basement and lose myself
in making glass beads, an art I'd learned two years before. The flame
of the torch as it melts the glass is mesmerizing and beautiful and
the results are incredibly rewarding. I soon had a sizable inventory
of beads that I'd made. My husband's aunt and uncle visited us from
England that summer and I demonstrated glass beadmaking to them. They
were fascinated, and they said I did a wonderful job demonstrating
and would make a good teacher. That made me feel good.
In the fall, I participated in my first bead show at a group table
sponsored by the Society of Glass Beadmakers. To my amazement I did
really well! I had one lady take one of my business cards and ask
where I was located because there were no bead shops in her area.
A month later, as I was making beads for my first gallery show, it
dawned on me that I could indeed run a bead shop in my area. I wrote
a business plan, found a place to open up, and started soliciting
"investors." I was on a roll!
That was one year ago, and my business is thriving. The meds have
helped me immensely. The Depakote helps me to stay calm and to be
sensitive to my customers. I wasn't calm and sensitive before the
Depakote - I was like a steam-roller. The Effexor has kept me from
dropping into deep depressions when financial worries seemed overwhelming.
I gained a lot of weight from the Depakote, so my psychiatrist tried
me on Nuerontin which did not work for me. I became irritable, anxious,
snippy and got the worst headache! After two months, I switched back
to Depakote - I don't like who I become without it.
I'm sorry this went on so long - I was trying to describe coping
with jobs while being bipolar. Sometimes its hard to do.
Cathy Lee
GlassCat Beads Windham, NH